~A~
ABUSE
The intentional physical, emotional or sexual invasion of another’s
boundaries; mistreatment or misuse of another person. In an unhealthy
relationship there
are three main types of abuse: physical, emotional and sexual.
ABUSER
A person who intentionally invades another person’s boundaries; an individual
who misuses their power and control over another individual.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
An unhealthy relationship in which one or both persons intentionally invades
another person’s boundaries, and in doing so is emotionally, physically
or sexually abusive. Some warning signs of an abusive relationship are extreme
jealousy, possessiveness, controlling attitude, low-self esteem, unpredictable
mood swings, alcohol and drug use, and explosive anger. (see these definitions
for further information)
ACQUAINTANCE RAPE
Sexual assault/rape by someone the victim knows.
ACTIVE RESISTENCE
Resisting an attacker by actively trying to discourage or prevent the attack
by doing such things as screaming or fighting back. There is no guarantee
that this is the right thing to do. It may discourage the attack, but it
could also anger the person and cause them to attack more forcefully.
AGE OF CONSENT LAW
An individual under the age of eighteen cannot legally consent to have sexual
intercourse with another individual, regardless of that individual’s
age.
AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION
Asking for what you want or saying how you feel in a threatening, sarcastic,
or humiliating way. Aggressive communication is never in your best interest
because it leads to increased conflict and a false sense of power.
ALCOHOL ABUSE
When an individual misuses alcohol by consuming too much or too frequently.
Dating violence often occurs when one or both partners have been abusing
alcohol (or drugs). Along with drug abuse, alcohol abuse is the number one
factor leading to date and acquaintance rape. While alcohol lowers a person’s
self-control, it is not the direct cause of violence.
ASSAULT
Using physical force to restrain or force another person to do something against
their will.
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
Asking for what you want and saying how you feel in an honest and respectful
way that does not violate another’s rights or put them down. This type
of communication is almost always in your best interest since it is your
best chance of getting what you want without offending the other person(s).
There are times when assertive communication may be inappropriate, for example,
when tempers are high, if people are using drugs or alcohol, if people have
weapons or if you are in an unsafe place. Using an “I” Message
is an example of assertive communication. (see “I” message definition
for more information)
~B~
BOUNDARIES
The physical and emotional limits a person sets in a relationship. In a healthy
relationship each person feels comfortable clearly defining their boundaries
and respects the other person’s boundaries. Each individual has a right
to set their boundaries where they would like to and has the freedom to change
them if needed.
BULLYING
Taking away another person’s power by intentionally invading their physical,
emotional or sexual boundaries
~C~
CHILD MOLESTATION
Intentionally or knowingly engaging in or causing a person to engage in sexual
contact, except sexual contact with the female breast, with a child under
fifteen years of age.
COMMUNICATION
The process of talking and listening to achieve the goal of understanding.
In healthy relationships people communicate what they want, need and feel
in an honest and respectful way.
CONSENT
To give permission; to agree to something willingly and freely.
CONTROLLING ATTITUDE
This happens when one partner rules the relationship and makes all the decisions.
The controlling partner might tell the other person how to dress, whom to
talk to, and where to go.
CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
Relationships begin in the Honeymoon Phase where faults and certain behaviors
are often overlooked. As the Honeymoon Phase ends, in unhealthy relationships
tension and frustration leads to anger and abuse. The abuse is followed by
apologies and promises in attempt to get back to the Honeymoon Phase. Each
time the cycle continues the abuse worsens. The cycle can often be broken through
positive communication and counseling when tension and frustration build.
~D~
DATE RAPE
Sexual assault/rape by someone the victim has a relationship with, or has been
socially involved with prior to the assault.
DATE RAPE DRUG
Illegal drugs and controlled substances which are considered “anesthesia-type” drugs
which are administered to a victim often without them knowing, and render the
victim physically incapacitated or helpless and thus incapable of giving or
not giving consent. Examples of date rape drugs include: Rohypnol, Ecstasy,
Ketamine, GHB.
DATING VIOLENCE
Any form of emotional, physical or sexual violence or abuse that occurs in
a dating relationship.
DRUG ABUSE
The misuse of illegal drugs or controlled substances. Along with alcohol abuse,
drug abuse is the number one factor leading to date rape, sexual assault,
and other forms of dating violence. Drug use lowers a person’s self-control,
but is not the direct cause of violence.
~E~
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
The act of mistreating or misusing another individual in a way that is emotionally
damaging. Examples of this type of abuse include: ignoring someone’s
feelings, withholding approval or affection, humiliating someone in public
or private, ridiculing beliefs, religion, race or heritage.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
The emotional limits or the emotional space a person needs in a relationship.
Emotional boundaries are crossed when we are exposed to put-downs, name-calling
and are ridiculed by others. One example of emotional boundaries is that
we all disclose personal information at different levels to different people.
EMPOWERMENT
To empower someone is to give them power, to let a person know about the power
they already have. One of the goals of the P.O.W.E.R. program is to show
teens that they each have power while giving them the tools to use their
power in positive ways.
EMPATHETIC LISTENING
An empathetic listener seeks first to understand the person they are communicating
with, then to be understood. An empathetic listener is patient, sincere,
listens for the content and feeling shared, and tells the person what they
are hearing. Since the goal of this type of listening is understanding, it
is important that the listener look at things from the other person’s
perspective.
EMPATHY
The ability to see the world the way another person sees it, from another person’s
frame of reference.
EQUALITY
Refers to the balance of the relationship. In a healthy relationship, each
individual has equal input into decisions made regarding the relationship.
EXCESSIVE MOOD SWINGS
A dramatic shift in moods, for example being jealous or controlling or abusive
one minute and being sweet, charming or loving the next minute. No one stays
in the same mood all of the time, however when a person is constantly and
unpredictably in a different mood it can be a warning sign of an abusive
relationship.
EXPECTATIONS
Expectations in a relationship include the things that you expect, need, and
want in a relationship. It is important that each individual shares his or
her expectations honestly and openly to limit miscommunication, mixed messages,
and the crossing of other’s boundaries.
EXPLOITATION
To take advantage of another individual for one’s own interest or gain.
In date and acquaintance rape or sexual misconduct with a minor, things such
as age, alcohol, drugs (including date rape drugs) are used in exploiting the
victim(s).
EXTREME JEALOUSY
Everyone gets jealous or envious occasionally. An extremely jealous person
acts on their jealousy and may become jealous over things which seem normal
or unimportant. Signs of an extremely jealous person are: anger when their
partner talks with other people or has good friends and expresses warm feelings
for anyone else. The jealous person may withdraw, sulk or become angry and
abusive.
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
The idea that the person perceiving or receiving treatment determines the quality,
meaning or value of the behavior. In terms of sexual harassment this means
that it is the individual perceiving the behavior who determines whether it
is wanted or unwanted attention, not the person who is giving the attention.
~F~
FLASHERS
Individuals who show or flash other individuals the private parts of their
body. (Private Parts: penis, vagina, breast or buttocks.)
FLIRTING
Wanted or welcome sexual attention, perceived by the person receiving the attention.
FORCE
To use coercion, strength or power to control or persuade an individual to
do something against their will.
~G~
GENDER STEREOTYPES
Ideas which assert that all members of a gender are similar with no individual
differences. Gender stereotypes and biases can lead to and allow for harassing
behaviors and even abusive behavior. It is important to challenge these stereotypes.
~H~
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
A relationship that lifts a person up and makes them feel good about themselves
and the other person. Healthy Relationships have mutual respect, good communication,
boundaries, trust, positive self-esteem and equality.
HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT
Conduct of a sexual nature that is sufficiently severe, persistent or pervasive
thereby limiting a student’s ability to participate in or benefit from
the education program or to create a hostile or abusive educational environment.
~I~
MESSAGES
One form of assertive communication that allows an individual to ask for what
they want and say how they feel in an honest and respectful way that does
not violate the other person’s rights or put them down. Example: I
feel____, when you____, and I want you to____.
INCEST
Sexual relations within the family; sexual abuse/assault by someone related
to or living within the home of the victim.
INTUITION
A feeling that something is not right about a person, place or situation. A
person’s gut feeling that something is wrong when they are in an uncomfortable
or unsafe situation.
ISOLATION
To isolate someone is to get someone apart or away from others. Abusers often
attempt to separate their victims from friends, family and acquaintances
as a way of controlling them. When an individual is isolated from others
it is hard for them to seek help, and difficult for others to know what is
happening in the relationship. Isolation contributes to individuals staying
in violent and abusive relationships.
~K~
KICK THE DOG CYCLE
The passing on of negative power from one person to the next.
~L~
LAWS, SEXUAL HARASSMENT
See Title IX
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
A person who does not feel good about themselves. Low self-esteem is one cause
of abusive behavior in relationships.
~M~
MANDATED REPORTER
Any adult (parents included) who works with children in any capacity is a mandated
reporter, thereby required by law to report any knowledge or suggestion of
any form of abuse of a minor.
MISCOMUNICATION
When understanding is not reached in communication. This happens often in an
unhealthy relationship.
MIXED MESSAGES
Actions, appearances, or words that can give an unintended message. It is important
that you mean what you say and say what you mean. For example, when you say “NO” with
you mouth, your body needs to be saying “NO” also.
MYTH
A story, saying or idea which is fictitious or not true. There are many myths
about dating violence, sexual harassment and date and acquaintance rape.
It is important to dispel these falsities to facilitate honest discussions
and develop appropriate responses to prevent acts of violence and abuse from
occurring.
~N~
~O~
~P~
PASSIVE COMMUNICATION
When an individual does not express his or her own needs and feelings, or expresses
them so weakly that they will not be addressed.
PASSIVE RESISTANCE
An attempt to discourage an attacker by trying to calm the person down and
persuade them not to commit the assault. Gaining the person’s confidence
may allow the victim to escape to a safe place or scream to attract other’s
attention. You may be able to discourage the attacker by claiming to be sick
or pregnant, by fainting or acting crazy.
PEEPING TOMS
Individuals who watch others while they are changing or in a state of undress.
This is against the law and should be reported to the police if observed.
PERPETRATOR
An individual who has committed a crime and/or abusive or violent act.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Intentionally invading another person’s physical boundaries or personal
space. Examples are hitting, pushing, or standing too close.
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
The physical limits or personal space a person needs in a relationship.
PORNOGRAPHY
Pictures, movies, magazines, or internet sites in which people are not wearing
clothes or performing sexual acts. These pictures, movies, magazines and
internet sites are used for another person’s sexual pleasure.
POSSESSIVENESS
Treating another person as if they are a possession or a belonging. This is
a warning sign of an abusive relationship. A possessive person will not want
his or her partner to share time or give you attention to anyone else.
POWER
The ability to do or act; authority or influence; force or strength. Everybody
has power.
PREVENTION
To stop or to keep something from happening.
~Q~
QUID PRO QUO
A Latin term literally meaning “ This for That.” This term refers
to a type of sexual harassment, similar to blackmail, in which an individual
of greater authority sexually harasses a person of lesser authority and blackmails
or bribes them into allowing the harassment to continue.
~R~
RAPE
Internal violation; such as forced penetration of the body through the mouth,
vagina or rectum. Forced sexual intercourse. See Sexual Assault.
RELATIONSHIP
A bond or connection with another person. Different types of relationships
include friendship, dating, family and peers.
RESPECT
To respect someone is to feel and show honor, esteem, regard or consideration
for another person.
RUMORS
Rumors are unconfirmed stories or lies spread around and shared with other
people. Rumors can be very hurtful to people because they are often very
abusive and vulgar in content and encourage others to believe something negative
or personal about another person.
~S~
SELF-ESTEEM
A term used to define how a person feels about themselves.
SELF-PROTECTION
Precautionary steps which a person can take to keep themselves as safe as possible
and reduce the risk of harm in from dangerous situations.
SEXUAL ABUSE
External violation; forced or tricked fondling or touching.
SEXUAL ASSAULT
Internal violation; forced penetration of the body through the mouth, vagina
or rectum. Forced sexual intercourse. See Rape.
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT WITH A MINOR
An individual over the age of eighteen, having sexual intercourse with a minor
under the age of eighteen.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Any unwelcome sexual advance, requests for sexual favors and other verbal or
physical conduct of sexual nature.
STEREOTYPE
The idea(s) that all members of a group are similar with no individual differences.
SUBMIT
Forced to give in to the power and control of another. To give in against your
will.
~T~
THOUGHT-SWITCHING
Stopping negative thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts. For example
changing: “I am so stupid, I’ll never be able to do this” to “ I
might be nervous, but I can give it my best.”
TITLE IX
Title IX of the Education Amendment of 1972 was created to prevent and remedy
sexual harassment in the schools in order to ensure a safe learning environment
in which students can learn. This title makes sexual harassment illegal in
the schools, and requires school administration to deal with sexual harassment
and provide a safe learning environment for all students. Ignoring or failing
to deal with sexual harassment may be punishable by law.
TRUST
To have firm confidence, belief or reliability in another person. In a relationship,
especially with friends, family member or partner trust is essential to openly
and honestly communicate ideas, feelings and opinions.
~U~
UNDERSTANDING
When individuals are able to communicate effectively and see another person’s
perspective. Empathy is key in obtaining understanding.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
An unhealthy relationship is one in which there is any type of abuse or violence,
including: emotional, physical or sexual abuse; sexual harassment; and or rape/sexual
assault. Some warning signs of an unhealthy relationship include: extreme jealousy,
miscommunication, controlling attitudes, possessiveness, violent temper, uncontrollable
mood swings and drug or alcohol abuse.
~V~
VERBAL PRESSURE
Forcing, coercing or abusing power over another person to control or persuade
them to do something using verbal threats, lies or other verbal communication.
Examples of verbal pressure use in date and acquaintance rape include: “If
you love me, you will have sex with me,” “If you do not have
sex with me, I will break up with you,” or “ I will kill you
if you do not have sex with me.”
VICTIM
An individual whom has suffered loss, injury, pain or death as a result of
abuse or violence committed by another individual.
VIOLENCE
Action or behavior having great or extreme physical, verbal or sexual force.
VIOLENT TEMPER
A violent temper is a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship. An individual
with a violent temper becomes aggressive or abusive as a result of an incident
in which they get angry or upset. Examples of a violent temper would include:
hitting walls or lockers, yelling loudly, calling names, or threatening others
with violence.
~W~
~X~
~Y~
~Z~